knowing

I was thinking today how there are some people that have things they can't go a day without. Or things that they always MUST do or their day is not complete. These are things like exercising, or moisturizing...little things that are just for you. As ritualized as I apparently seem to be, I do not have anything that needs to be done daily. Everything that I do I can do without. Heaven forbid I go out without makeup or brushing my teeth.

In my life I cannot think of any one thing that I have been consistently passion for. I have been thinking about going back to school and was talking to a colleague at work who still is studying and in the Geramn university system it is not as flexible for just taking one class at a time. What I want to do would be much easier in North America. Then he asked what I would want to study. That's a whole other thing. I have no idea.

I think the thing that I'm most passionate about is learning. But then I fall further down this thought hole and wonder if it's because I'm trying to fill some void, or trying to find something that I'm passionate about. Have I just not found something yet or do I just love experiences.

I think about moments when I feel happiest and it's when I'm just doing and not thinking, or having a good conversation with someone, or learning new things and seeing new places. I of course want to eventually be able to find some way to apply these passions into my life so that I can use what I love to propel myself forward and create positive and leave good and contribute.

I obviously have to think about the future in some sense but the road is just so open that I don't want to get so far down one path that I lose sight of everything else because it's ok to change your mind later (which is something I keep telling myself). I just don't want to have to start on some alien planet.

I also don't want to be one of those people that just doesn't know things. I like to know things because it helps me connect with more types of people.

religious festivals

I was shopping in town today and was heading sort of the direction of home and happened upon a loud chorus of drummers drumming. I was a little bit bewildered at what was going on, especially when I approached the area and saw people wearing Jester hats. Not gimmicky party animal ones - like legit with patches of honour on them.

I have literally just come home and immediately had to find out what was going on. I knew it has something to do with Fasching (which is the German Carnival - also on my list of things to do in Brasil). Apparently it was the Fools welcoming the new year. I guess Epiphany is over...? Someone help here?

I think religious festivals seem so fun, and what a great thing to celebrate. I think they are the last holidays that have been over over commercialized although Fasching is quite commercial in Germany. Not so much though that the Chinese are celebrating (More often now, the young Chinese people celebrate Christmas without any regard to the actual meaning).

But how amazing would it be to celebrate the religious festivals like 200 years ago, presuming you are catholic, presuming you live in Baden Württemberg or Bavaria. Literally the best excuse ever to go wild with your friends. No one is going to be getting on your case because you are celebrating your religion. It's basically a get out of hell free card and I have the feeling that everyone got in on the action. Also, back in the day, no one had to work on these holidays. People have truly forgotten the lost art of having nothing to do and having a real day off. That's one of the reasons that I love German Sundays; because I don't have to do anything.

I think that more religious festivals should be celebrated.

the rules of running

I am no authority on the whole running thing that people seem to be into...exercise? maybe later.

To be honest I do exercise sometimes. Last week in arizona I worked out everyday...go figure.

But I think that you should not be allowed to run on two days of the year...christmas and new years day. I kind of decided this should be a rule after seeing a bunch of people running in amsterdam on christmas. I did not like this. You should be relaxing. Relaxing is very important. I don't care who you are...you need time off. There are no other days in the year that you have guaranteed as a holiday and I think that these days should not be spent running. You should be doing something that you wouldn't be able to do everyday of the year. It should be something special because finally you have the time to do it. It's a holiday for everyone. I also don't want to see people around me running because it bothers me that they are not doing something special.

If you want to run on your birthday however that is your own perogative. It's not going to ruin anyone else's day and it's your day so you can do what you want.

This will literally change nothing in anyones life.

romanos macaroni grill

This week has brought me to the wonderful warm desert city of scottsdale arizona. Being here on business affords me the opportunity to eat at various restaurants. As a food enthusiast this is awesome for me!

This evenings "treat" was romanos macaroni grill. As someone who is often cynical of american cooking I figured this would be an interesting experience. As some of you know I am somewhat of a snob, and living in europe has not helped this fact. I am very lucky to have been exposed to some very tasty food. Actually being italy (despite the briefness), and tasting foods from Italy has made me quite cynical of the tastes of the common american. By that I mean I expect to have them call something italian and me laughing at them because it is not at all. The same way that hard shell tacos are apparently mexican.

Anyways I went into the restaurant with very low expectations. It was a very interesting atmosphere. I would describe it as South by South ish Italy. There was dim lighting which to me creates a little bit more of a grown up atmosphere, but then they had the paper table clothes and my server (catelyn) demonstrated her ability to write her name upside down.

She asked me if I'd ever been there before - no I hadn't. She then took me on a wonderful tour around my menu. Thanks - I am able to read. I was also offered the opportunity to try the house chianti. No thank you. I asked what was on tap..."peroni, miller, peroni....." (she said peroni twice). Luckily I happen to quite enjoy peroni so I was pretty pumped about that.

On the tour I was also shown that there were some tapas available. First off...totally different genre. Second off, I'm 90 % sure most of those were just something that got thrown in a deep fryer, which was not at all what I wanted. They also had italian nachos available. mmmm nah

I had a difficult time not letting the laughter of cynicism erupt from my mouth.

I had to take some time in choosing and eventually settled on the pollo caprese. Did I want a salad with that...screw it why not.

While waiting I was also brought some bread to enjoy with olive oil. It was ok, but it was the kind of bread that you really don't want to eat after it has cooled off. I then received my salad, with ice still on the bowl. Perfect. I was saving it for after my dinner anyways.

Then my food came...and to be honest it was not near as bad as I thought. It came with real mozzarella pieces and the sauce had a great amount of kick. I was happy to be proven wrong. As far as real food taste it absolutely beats olive garden.

After my dinner I ate the salad and catelyn slides over the desert menu ever so non casually.

I had to laugh at the end, I had few bites left of my chicken breast...did I want that wrapped up. No...this is nothing.

I said no, and no to the desert and got my bill immediatly. I didn't like that because I felt more rushed than I wanted to be. Not that I had a real reason to stay.

I totally felt like a cog in the machine. She didn't give a rats behind whether or not I enjoyed my food. As long as I didn't dis-enjoy it.

In general...great restaurants rarely have TVs in them, and this restaurant had 1.

Also - so many cacti here

a moderately ruined christmas

Well friends - it's officially christmas in amsterdam.

And it's the first time I have not been with my parents on christmas. Not only am I currently not with my parents...I am not with anyone.

You see about two days ago I had come back from my day earlier than my friend whose house I'm staying at. I had to pee sooo badly that somewhere between coming in and locking the door and getting to the room I lost the key that had been given to me. It is illogical that I should have lost it.

My plan tonight was to go to st. niklaas church because this is what I did with my parents last year and the music was amazing. I got ready to go and then went to the door and realized...I didn't have a key to even get out! I am literally trapped inside this apartment. That was a real let down because I really wanted to go.

I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some work because I don't want to have to do it when I'm home in winnipeg. So I did that for a while and then decided that I'd maybe try baking the brownie mix that I had purchased two days ago.

I mixed it up no problem and went to put it in the oven and realized that didn't work. I figured well...it's an interesting microwave I'll try that.


Nope...burned completely.

And it smells awful

And I'm still trapped inside. I hope tomorrow is better!

my church dilemma of the day

So I have started attending the local lutheran church on sundays. I usually try to go twice a month. So I went this morning because I was a bum last week and was just to lazy to go. Why this church?...because it's not catholic and is about a 7 minute walk. It's also where I sing in the choir.

Anyways...I get there and I see at there are microphones set up at the front. Ok it seems there will be a choir..sweet I love choir music.

So the service starts and up tot he front come some kids wearing santa hats (pagans!) and then some adults come. The choir director then takes the mike and queues the music and some over produced prerecorded crap starts playing. It is clear that trumpets in that song where not in fact trumpets, but the trumpet function on someones keyboard. Then she started singing some call and response style thing with the kids singing backup. Which is fine - the kids sang fine, but she was just working it wayyy to hard. I looked around and could see others there sniggering as well.

Meanwhile as this is going on - parents...all over the place. Filming and going up for pictures.

On my list of big annoyances...taking pictures in operating churches...just don't do it. It is interfering with me coming to my place or worship. But I can't be that much of an asshole because everyone should be welcome in the church and God has these people here to sing for him (allegedly). But clearly not everyone else realized that because then we all applaud after they are done singing. I will never applaud during a church service. And I don't care if I'm "clapping for Jesus" - I'm not doing it.

It was clear that this was an outsider choir because I found the visitors were so disrespectful, and just didn't respect the sanctity of our service. Not only that - a mother of one of the kids gets up during the service and is on her cell phone texting at the back. But again, I should be able to focus on what is being said...but I couldn't!

Then the choir went up for a second time and sang perhaps the worst mashup of angels we have heard on high and some other christmas song I have ever heard. The fact that the choir was miked did nothing to help them. It was evident that they could not have heard each other. And I'm sorry kids, but your sing screaming was not comfortable to listen to. The prerecorded arrangement also had a nice little snare drum section to spice up this classic. They took what was ordinarily a beautiful song and one of my favourites to sing and just destroyed it.

The choir was finished after this and as they existed half of them left and were super disruptive. Then they had to take down all the microphones and everyone in the sanctuary sat in silence for 5 minutes and just watched this happen. I could not believe that was what was happening...really people!!!

And then we get to the highlight - the infant baptism....super!

But it wasn't just an infant baptism. They had that...and a blessing for parents who decided not to baptize their child.

The two side by side seemed like such mixed messages. And it could have easily been interpreted in different ways. Like the parents care more about their kid because they are letting the kid decide when they are older, which basically spits in the face of the lutheran church who prefers to baptize their children. I just don't understand how they can be ok with doing that. Like if you aren't behind infant baptism (which I'm not) I feel like it would still be awkward not participating in something. I'd be worried that some parents would think that I either love my kid less because I don't want them to be baptized and don't want them to be christian and that I'm judging them because they are doing it.

Heavy stuff.

Anyways I must say it was difficult sticking around. I just had to pray and be like God let me please try to enjoy what you have put before me today. I don't that everyone enjoys different things. Hopefully I'll get something from the message.

But I do feel pretty calm and good about going - so I'm glad I stuck it out...I guess.

Being alone does not mean I'm lonely

I am sure that I have mentioned my enjoyment of doing things alone before...and I want to talk about it again, because I enjoy being a broken record without new ideas....ha ha ha, but seriously.

I am literally my favourite person to hang out with. I love the freedom of doing whatever I want to do.

I also love the freedom of being able to meet new people. I think being alone has perhaps made me a very self-confident person. Being alone in Germany and having to make my own friends has certainly encouraged me to become braver in this aspect.

I remember the first time I went to see a movie by myself and being totally weirded out about it, but now I would not hesitate to do this - however there are rarely movies I actually want to see in theatres (they need to be worth my money cinematically or else I'll just wait).

Nowadays I have no qualms about engaging in activities by myself. One thing I don't like though is that I am still reliant on my iPod to keep me occupied. This isn't a horrible thing, but I should be able to enjoy things from my environment - but I love that I have the excuse of going on a two hour walk and being able to listen to my music the whole time (and loudly!).

I will tell people at work about how I went out on the weekend to the Krone (the local bar) and saw a band and an old man asked me if I would be interested in becoming the mother of his children (true story) - and they asked who I was with...no one. I love going with now one. I enjoy these conversations that occur spontaneously - even if I don't ever learn someones name I still enjoy the time with them.

I do worry though that I may at some point become to anti-social. There are already awkward times when I know my friends are not doing anything and I'm doing something they would enjoy and then to explain that I'd rather go alone.

I really do prefer to eat alone, because I find eating in a one on one basis a little awkward because the eating gets in the way of talking and the talking gets in the way of eating and enjoying my food. At best I love to bring a book, or sometimes just stare at the passers by. Drinks however is no problem. I'm always down for a drink - although I have been known to go drinking beer solo in summer as well.

I wish I that I enjoyed people more but I just like myself the best. -

Only child syndrome I guess.

I found this on tumblr - and it's perfect! (although I'm not sure if I'm scared of someone running away)