my former glory (not so glorious)

So I found this little gem today

I was searching for any news I could find on what had happened in the high school provincial games in Manitoba this week (volleyball) and so I googled mbci volleyball. I came across this little feature uploaded five years ago that I never knew existed.

Yup, you may have guessed it. That's me in grade 12. I have not changed. I look exactly the same. I know the numbers are hard to see but if you look at the knee brace that's me.

It's so weird watching myself. I am totally critiquing everything too. Like 'terrible pass' or 'nice hit' - if you go to around 11:29 you see me completely give up and kick the ball. Not sure what happened there.

This does fill me with a little bit of high school regret because watching myself - I really was not as good as I thought. I could serve like a pro, but I was so slow. Although I think in this game I have a pretty decent kill percentage. I just remember that being an extra tough year for volleyball as far as my team went. There was a serious division on the team and of course being team captain and trying to be a good person and be the peacemaker like I always do I felt that I was constantly in the middle - although I probably put myself in there.

I hope that I have the excuse that this was early in the season and I was still recovering from knee issues. I do feel that despite my hours clocked on the bench during club I was a lot better. Perhaps because I was getting pushed more by the team around me.

One thing I hated about this year was the fact that I was team captain and received no awards or recognition. I'll never forget that, because despite the fact that I was fairly average and played many sports I was a good leader and I think that you can see this from the film.

I just hated getting benched with this team. I also did not get set very often.

It's also cool that there are girls that I played club with on the other side of the net.

This also makes me wonder what other gems are going to be out there for my children to discover.

I'm odd

Well first off a big thanks for y'all that got me to over 4,000 page views.

Todays post isn't going to be extremely thrilling. More just me trying to think that I'm not the only person in the world that does this. I was just spending some lovely time reading and listening to music and so I came across a sentence fingers were laid theatrically over lips. And after I read this...I totally did it. Like as though I couldn't visualize what was happening in the book so I needed to try it for myself. I think that I often imitate small expressions from books. Maybe because I think they'll be cool for me to try out in my own life.

I also do this with accents. I totally read my characters with different accents. A few months back I read the book The Help which is about black maids during the 60s and the author wrote the 'black' parts with some of the words and slang and spelled words the way these characters would pronounce them. I accented the shit out of that - in my head of course....

I also always feel that I would be great at doing these in real life because they sound unreal in my head - not true. It's the same case with German, I review words and sentences in my head all the time but they never come out the way I want. I guess I just need to be a little bit more confident.

Please tell me if you can relate to any of this...

Actually please just tell me you read books.

your twenties

They always say that your teens are the toughest years of your life.

That was not the case for me. I was quite happy with who I was and myself during junior high and high school. I think the naivety really helped me through that a lot. Looking back I'm sure that I thought a lot higher of myself than some of my peers did. Whether that was being passed over for awards or different sports things. Going back I wouldn't change anything because I was happy at that time and isn't that what it's all about. It kind of sucks looking that you were disillusioned from reality but that's part of life isn't it?

Maybe the reason that my twenties seem a little tougher is because my teens went so smoothly. Obviously there were some points where friends would be friends one day and not the next but I was pretty immune to that and just didn't really care. But now without that structure of high school it's strange for me that I get to make decisions on my own. It may be the fact that I still live my parents in the summers or that I am financially dependent on them that keeps me from acting like someone in their twenties. Last summer I got back to the house later than anticipated and my parents were disappointed because I didn't let them know I was going to be late. I can totally understand their point, but at this point in my life it's weird that I should have to be accountable to people with my comings and goings. I'm sure they feel the same way, but hey, they're parents - the care.

Sometimes I think people in their twenties have such a difficult time because the fact that they never really learned how to be motivated is catching up with them. This is the perfect opportunity to start projects, get involved and all that jazz. It's so much easier to stay at home and sleep the whole day because finally you are allowed to sleep in with no repercussions. But your twenties are tough because they really build your foundation for what you are going to do within the world.

Your teens are there for you to shape a your personality and find out what is important to you. This is often done through experimentation and going through different phases - and mixed along with hormones is extra fun for your parents. Then this is solidified during the late teens, for most this is in university or when you move out. Then early twenties you are finally free from most of the institutional aspect of your life, unless you are a little bit late, or really smart getting a professional degree. But now you are faced with figuring out what on earth you are going to do with your life. Literally you can do whatever you want. There may be some red tape in actually doing whatever you want - but the biggest thing holding you back is yourself. That's the toughest part is narrowing down all the crap and ideas you have in your head and actually pursue something. This usually means giving up something be it money, or connection to family or otherwise and that's what makes it the most scary. Gosh - is this the first part of starting to give stuff up. Maybe as you grow older the big theme is starting to give things up.....

You that are older are probably just laughing at me thinking that I know nothing - and when I read this in three years i will probably think the same.

I guess I'm talking more about what I've observed from peers that are going through university and really making my own assessments. I'm not an expert - clearly.

tidbits #283

I realized that I talk about movies a lot - this post will be no exception

I was watching sleeping beauty and it is such a horrible message. When the little princess is born the first two give her the gifts of beauty and a beautiful voice. Judging by the archaic-ness of the first gift I'm surprised that the fairies would allow her to have a beautiful voice. I figured women wouldn't actually be allowed to talk. Or it could just be the pet that is allowed to come out of the kitchen only the entertain the guests by singing, but she's not allowed to talk other than that. Obviously I shouldn't be surprised, judging by the time that this film was made which was 1959 (coincidently the same year my father was born, age spoiler!) If you've watched any of the show Mad Men all these values shouldn't surprise you at all.

I was also watching the Sarah Jessica Parker 'masterpiece' I don't know how she does it. The story talks about how she has to try to balance her high powered career, with her family. In the film her character seemed to constantly put her family in the back seat because she was working on this project she had a lot of passion for. The movie basically told me that you can't have it all, and if you want to you should feel guilty about it. There was also another foil that was super-focused on her career and accidentally got pregnant and decided not to terminate the pregnancy. Is this some male based strategy telling women that it's ok to get pregnant so that they can make sure that men stay in charge.

Am I reading way to far into this?

I didn't enjoy the movie anyways.

I do realize that I sound like a ranting feminist here - which I am not. I just am a realist and like to think that I am aware of inequalities and honestly I really only care the most about them when they are happening to me personally. I am to self-centered to protest anything.

Are Tv shows getting less funny

I remember when I was a little kid and all I wanted to do was watch the simpsons, but no - mother and father wouldn't let me because I wasn't mature enough. I think this lasted until I was 15 and looking back now it's weird to see my parents not letting me watch that.

Anyways, I used to think it was such a funny show. Then I was allowed to watch family guy and I loved that show even more than the simpsons. Through the first two years of university I would generally watch both of these on TV, if I missed the simpsons I didn't care, but family guy was always a must. Eventually I just stopped caring for the simpsons altogether because I don't think that it's funny anymore. Family guy just pushed the boundaries so much more, and appealed to me so much more and I just couldn't deal with the simpsons anymore. It seemed so juvenile.

Another show I used to watch consistently was the office, my mom and I would watch it together if we could, but if not together I would call her to discuss the episode. One time she even hung up on me because I forgot it was on that night (at this point I worked thursdays so I watched them all online the next day). But now, I have no desire to watch it.

The point of these being - have these shows just not been funny, or have I just watched them to long that I got bored with them. I'm soo upset this year because my favourite show of all time it's always sunny in philidelphia BLOWS this season. I have forced myself to laugh in nearly all the episodes, except two that were actually funny. Maybe it's because these shows become popular and when they do they can hire more writers, and perhaps this dilutes some of the core aspects that initially made the show funny. Another favourite show of mine is 30 rock, and I have not found a change in humour levels because tina fey has been at the helm the entire time.

I don't know if anyone else has any opinions about these TV shows, or has felt the same way - but is all TV just going through a slump right now? Last summer sucked for television and I never watched anything but big brother (although summer usually sucks), but was it worse this year? Or maybe my expectations are to high?

motivation

About 7 minutes prior to writing this post I was sweeping up my room and it gave my the inspiration to blog. I'll give you some context why.

It is currently 12:48 pm on friday november 11 and I have just returned from the school library where I was doing homework from 10-12. I was up at 8:30 this morning after falling asleep around 1-1:30 last night. Needless to say I'm a little bit tired.

This seems to be a minor reflection of the mood I've been trying to put myself in - a mood in which I am not so damn lazy and actually do things. I've already been in Germany for 2 months and I feel like I don't have that much time left in this area, and when thinking about spending time here in my flat on stumbleupon (best/worst website ever) or going out and seeing something new I'm gonna take the second option.

Even keeping my room clean is something that has been done with as much effort as I have done this year. In fact, I have even hand washed the floors at least once and certainly plan on doing it again, possibly even today. At the beginning I was even more diligent and keeping my room clean and making my bed everyday - but that has fallen through a little. I do want to make a better effort - actually I'll take a little blog break to do this.

Done.

It's going to be important for me to keep this level of motivation up because I'm super broke and cannot afford to travel with my friends (pity post) but I'm ok because I still will be making new memories for myself and that's for me the point of travelling, to see things that you've never seen before. Personally tourist kind of places are not super exceptional to visit, or don't really have a huge draw because I feel like I already know them because I've already been super exposed through tv, movies and other media outlets. How many times have you heard of this really neat hiking trail that gives great views of the Rhein-Neckar Valley...likely never and I like to be able to discover these things. The only problem is that it sucks to have no one to share these memories with.

Last night I got to create another memory because the Heidelberg-Mannheim film festival is currently running and last night was the opening night. They also had films for a dollar. Clearly I'm in germany and my german may not be up to par to watch an entire movie so when looking through the program I looked for films that could possibly be from other countries and so I found one with an american director. All was kind of cool and the director introduced the film in english so I thought this could be my lucky day. It was in russian! But it had both english subtitles on screen and german titles on a separate screen below the big screen. I am glad I went - certainly worth the price of admission, but it was a strange movie.

I guess I'll just be playing some more "get on the first train anywhere"

I'm excited

#occupymannheim

Yesterday in my sales and customer relationship management class we had a guest speaker from an organization called UBS.

I payed (or would I use paid) attention for the first hour I'd say, at least that's when I first looked at my phone. It was a decent presentation for the first bit. But really just got boring after a while. I think it may have been my complete un-interest in wealth management. It was a very interesting presentation because he was basically trying to explain how they need to attract customers - and how they have to make sure that their clients are 'wealthy' enough. In my head this even means the upper middle class are not welcome in this group. If you are not a millionaire this organization does not care about your wealth. That's fine. I understand that some businesses focus on this - and others focus on the normal everyday person. That's fine. It was just interesting because of all this #occupywallstreet stuff that's going on right now - which as much as I've read about it I'm still not sure I completely understand everything.

I do understand that people aren't happy with banks and the disparity created between the classes that is growing.

Just a sidebar to this - maybe their riches are growing in some part because there are these firms that are working to grow their money properly and grow investments. I mean - how are people like me going to expect to make the same kind of returns as someone with a lot more money. It's just not possible. I guess this could be one of the problems?

But anyways - this whole lecture makes me again think about being in business school and it's a fact; people go into business to make money. That's why businesses exist. That's why people buy shares - it's a driver of capitalism and that is the kind of society we live in. We can't deny that fact. Don't get me wrong, I do want to make money one day. But I don't think I want it as bad as a lot of my colleagues. It is a little strange that I'm going to get a business degree because I don't know if I agree with a lot of businesses.

I was riding on the tram the other day and the way we went drove past a lot of enormous factories. I realized that factories kind of scare me, like all I think about is pollution and depressed people. Like I know a few people that work in factories and no one is every happy about their job. It just gives me a weird uneasy feeling in my stomach and I can't quite figure out what it is about large organizations that do that. I think it makes me feel like I'm inadequate. If I was working in one of these large organizations in an upper management type position and did matter so to speak, I still don't think I'd be comfortable. It also could be that I just really need to work somewhere that I truly believe that what they are offering is of value to people and not just churning shit out to make a buck.

body switching

So I'm just wondering - how many movies are there with body switching and why do people seem to be turned on by this idea. It's clearly nothing new.

They all have the same idea. At first they hate the fact that they are in someone else's body, then they try to exploit their position, with a couple of really cheap jokes...then eventually everyone realizes how much they miss their own body and yay...everyone learns the lesson about being happy with yourself and recognize that the grass is always greener on the other side. Or they are able to learn about walking a mile in someone else's shoes so the speak.

What I don't understand is how on earth this keeps being a realistic scenario - in the history of the world has anyone ever been switched into some else's body. No - this has never happened! Why is this idea so popular.

Also - why do people never want to tell anyone what's happened. Like why does it need to be some giant secret. Like sure maybe someone has some super important event that they need to be prepared for and can't do anything about it. Obviously it you explain what's going on people will not be like no we don't care about your explanation -

I guess they would think you're crazy...

These movies just to sum up - never good.

Accents

I'll start off by saying - accents are so weird. Like me and the people from england all speak english. But the way that we say words is completely different. It's weird to think how accents change all over the place. Even within the US it's clear there is a difference between people from Seattle to South Dakota to South Carolina all say their words different.

Now I must say that not all people from a region have that same accent.

Even hear in Germany the way that people speak compared across different areas is different. Especially in the area where I'm living it is often noticeable that people pronounce words differently than how I've learned to say them.

I was thinking about this when watching some old-timey movies and they are americans but they don't talk like americans do today. And then I got to thinking about how America was settled by the British - so obviously the first settlers had those accents. But why don't they speak British english there now? And I guess that it slowly left the tongue of people, but I wonder why that is.

As weird as accents are - don't even get my started on regional slang.

Munich: Neuschwanstein

So I did actually get to do something a little less depressing. It was pleasing spectacle to visit was the castle of the (Mad) King, Ludwig II - Neuschwanstein.

I was not sure what to expect because I felt like it was going to be a bit of a touristy place - that's what people had told me prior to going.

So we got up at about 8:10 because we had to be at the train station to meet at 9:15. Luckily I went to bed no later than 1 the previous morning....

So anyways - it was a two hour train ride there. The first hour sucked. The second hour wasn't to bad because we got to see some hills - but the best was when the Alps started peeking up.

One thing I'll admit - I'll never get tired of seeing mountains. They are just so wonderful.

So eventually we got to the town of Füssen, which is a cute little alpine town for tourists in the area. It's weird seeing Alpine houses that are actually legit because whenever I see an actual alpine style house in canada I just find it so kitschy, and I almost thought it there but then I realized that it was pretty legit.

One thing you may not realize prior to going (I didn't) is that to get from the town to the actual castle is at least a twenty minute walk at about a 50 degree incline. My legs were already tired from walking the day before - but I guess that counts as exercise so I'm fine with that. To be honest I really do enjoy hiking a lot more than when my parents forced me to go as a young child.

Eventually we arrived at the peak where the castle was. Really - it's not that big. My favourite thing about it though was that the king who built it, had it built above the castle he grew up in. I think so that we could look down and rub it in their faces.

Something else I think that people fail to forget is that the castle was built in the mid-late 1800s (I forget the dates and I'm to lazy to look it up: I'll also apologize for not adding more historical fun facts in this - I'm lazy). There were fairly modern amenities such as plumbing - and a telephone! The toilet was quite funny because it was an actual throne. I don't think I'd be super jazzed about sitting on leather though to release my bowels. (too graphic?)

So basically we got up to the top of the hill and our tour guide told us a few facts - whatever...nothing I didn't know after listening to my favourite podcast. Then we had some time to do whatever and eventually we walked up even further to the marienbruke where I took this picture

So so pretty!

But it really isn't as big as you expect. Another thing you don't expect is the fact that it wasn't finished. King Ludwig II died prior to it's completion and one of his requests was that if he ever died - the structure should be torn down.

Apparently this structure was inspired by versailles which I don't understand. This is a medieval style castle - versailles I don't think was even that medieval (correct me if I'm wrong). This castle was also then the inspiration for the cinderella castle at disney world. I don't really get that either. The only resemblance I see is that it's white and has a turret. Even the completed structure doesn't resemble the disney castle.

We did get a chance to go on a tour inside but it was less than inspired. It was so cool to see all the inside stuff though because there are few pictures to be found due to the fact that photography isn't aloud inside. It was neat to see how the king took so much inspiration from very heroic/epic events. Many of the chandeliers were inspired by byzantium and all the illustrations on the walls were from operas or heroic myths - with the story of Tristan and Isolde being portrayed on the walls within his bedroom. The ornate carving above the bed was one of the highlights of the tour and I wish I could share that with you. I found it interesting how paintings were actually done right on the walls- whereas today you hang a painting upon the wall. I guess that gives reasons for the permanence within the castle.

The very best part of the tour was the walk at the end. We were blessed with such a good tour group that was all able to walk down the scenic route. It was along a stream that had many different waterfalls. Had it been summer and I had my bathing suit I would not have hesitated in diving in.

I drank from that stream. It was just so awesome and pretty!

I have a new goal - find a farmers son so that I can travel to the country during christmas and holidays. I think living there permanently would make me crazy because I would feel to isolated.

Munich: Dachau - Part E -

I don't exactly know how to title this. Despair, hopelessness....

I think this little post will explain why I can't imagine, or sympathize as much as I want to.

The people living in this camps were in an unbearable situation. They literally had no rites. Upon entering the camp they were all made to look the same and given numbers - so that one would only be different from your neighbour by the fact that you had a different digit. It's just a position in which you have no hope. Every single day you don't want to wake up because you know that nothing good is going to happen to you that day. It doesn't matter if it rains, snows or is sunny.

When I fall asleep every night I find that my mind shifts to things that I wish to dream about, or that I hope will happen to me in the future, and I find myself thinking of comfortable feelings...rainbows, puppies, and etc. What did these people dream of before they fell asleep - boy I hope I get food tomorrow, or I hope that I don't get hit tomorrow.

Everything that makes people human spirit wise was gone from this camp, and this was all done deliberately.

You are made to always be alone - but never alone. You were crowded into bunks, three or four people to a bed made for one. Talking among prisoners was probably not allowed in front of the guards, and so you were stuck with your thoughts all day. I mentioned in one of the previous posts that one of the punishments was being alone in a box. I would actually go crazy. What can you think about for that long. And you have no mental stimulation to keep you active. You know how sometimes you overreact to something and your train of thought goes super crazy. Imagine dealing with that for four months. I feel like in that situation you just simply question everything. Studies have shown (I'm not making this up despite the way I started this sentence) that after 15 minutes alone you start to show signs of mental weakening. People need stimulation to keep their brain active.

I imagine that a common feeling among prisoners was that of apathy and restrained anger. There were so many of them, but everything was taken away from them, and they became slaves to the state which was in the form of prison guards. They were there solely to serve. They were no longer there for themselves. They couldn't go as they pleased. They had no choice in anything, except you can die now or later. Rumors I feel were also a huge part of the camp life which likely led to some form of hope. These tiny glimmers of a saviour coming to rescue them perhaps was something that drove hope of survivors. Or maybe they felt that staying alive was one way they could defy their captors.

Many people committed suicide by running and jumping into the electric barbed wire fences. I really don't know if it is worse to live through this, or die early. Often we consider suicide the way out for people that are to weak to face the world. But I know this is a little weird, we can learn from harry potter that there are worse things than death. They are no longer living in fear every day.

These people are likely so desensitized from seeing so much tragedy around them that being alive or dead doesn't make a real difference for them. Every morning for role call the dead bodies needed to be brought out so that all could be accounted for, but everyone was probably just used to it.

Perhaps I am dehumanizing these people too much by saying they didn't have feelings - but it's probably just something that everyone eventually got used to. If you don't care - nothing matters anymore.

But there are stories of hope, of prisoners bonding together. I wonder what the biggest thing keeping the prisoners from actually turning on the guards was. While they were still strong they should have turned on the guards. If I knew that I was going to die anyways I think that I'd be willing to go for it. The inmates vastly outnumbered the guards. It's nice to know however that they were able to bond int heir hatred, and I think there are many untold stories of people not competing with each other for resources, but lending help to a fellow brother.

Munich: Dachau - Part F - Finale

So I know that I have been giving quite a bit of opinion so far - and it seems that I am saying - the most surprising thing before nearly every sentence, which may say something. As much as I thought I might know there is no true way to explain what you would expect.

Our tour guide mentioned that people in the city really didn't know what was going on as they were forbidden to be anywhere near the camp. But to me there is no way that people wouldn't have any idea what's going on. Even if prisoners were arriving at night I'm sure that they must have been seen by people. Obviously though residents of the town couldn't risk talking with others in the town by what was going on at risk of being told on. Betrayal was one of the reasons the Nazis had so much success. They scared the crap out of everyone - and were so threatening so that people had no choice but to give up someone else to protect their own life. Obviously I'd like to think that I wouldn't be cowardly and stay brave and not throw someone I loved to the Nazis - but I really couldn't say and I feel awful about that. But the main point is that there no reason that people in the town wouldn't be suspicious because there were always people going in but no one ever coming out.

The Nazi's were also known as rigorous record keepers recorded and numbered every prisoner going through their camps, but were burning bodies so that people didn't realize what they were actually doing in the camps. This to me doesn't make sense.

It's just so frightening to hear these stories even once. Becky and I got talking with our tour guide after going through the gas chamber and crematorium and he was sitting inside. We asked why he didn't himself take us through there. He said that most tour guides don't like going in there, especially when they are coming to this site everyday. In fact he said that many tour guides including himself get nightmares from reliving this so much. I never thought about the physical toll that this may take on people and it's so hard for us to imagine it, let alone live through the whole experience. I'd really like to hear the account of a prison guard to see what their mentality was truly like. I think it brings up the whole debate as to weather or not people are born evil or have it trained into them.

Lastly I wanted to say that before coming to Germany everyone has their preconceived notions, and be honest - it makes you think of hitler and nazis. I am the same way. I used to not want to come here because I was so concerned about the fact that this holocaust had been run by this country. I was talking with someone from here at the beginning of the year and she said that when she travels this is how people know her. On the tour I learned that in schools german students are taught at length about the second world war and it is mandatory that they visit a prison camp in order to graduate. I like that they do this, but it obviously is not something that they did. I think they hear a lot about how bad germany was during this situation - but they were not there. These were not decisions made by their generation...or even their parents generation. At the risk of sounding insensitive - I think that this does draw some parallels with what is happening in Canada with many of the indigenous people wanting retribution for things that happened years before my parents were even a twinkle in someone's eye. It feels like it shouldn't be my issue anymore. It wasn't my choice, and for the germans in my generation it wasn't their choice either.

So...I hope that you 'enjoyed' this little 'series' on Dachau. I'm sorry that it took so long to get everything out - but it's not something that I felt right skipping over so much. I really do encourage you to get out and visit a prison camp because as much as I've tried to explain - you cannot write down the feelings that you experience when going. I thought that when going I'd be a little bit more emotional, but that was not the case. I was not emotionless, but I just felt cold inside, and that I couldn't have feelings as deep as I wanted to feel them. As much or as little you know though - please visit, and honour those who didn't receive the honour that was due to them.